I’d like to be able to write that I have finally hit the lottery and can say I am who I am meant to be. But that would be a lie. I have to play to be able to win, and right now, I am not playing to win.
I’m scared. I am scared to be me. I’m scared you might like me. I’m scared you might hate me. I’m scared I’m not good enough. I am scared to share myself the way I used to.
I’m prideful. I can admit when I am wrong, but I can also admit when you are wrong. I like to be a good sport, but I like to win. I don’t like to make mistakes. I like control.
I hold grudges. Oh, I have learned to forgive. It is freeing – not for others, but for myself. However, if you go past a certain line – you better believe I am holding a grudge. I have limits…and those limits are not freeing for either of us.
I love. I love when I shouldn’t. I love deeply when I should. I love from a distance. Distance is safe. Distance doesn’t hurt.
I forgive. Forgiving is good. Forgiving is, as mentioned earlier, freeing. I’m a better person when I forgive. Forgiving is a lottery win.
I doubt. I doubt you are trustworthy. I doubt you care. I doubt you like me. I have so many doubts.
I have anxiety. I overthink. I am afraid I’ll sound stupid. I rather write. I like solitude. I want to be more involved. I don’t because I am not ready.
I haven’t allowed myself to let go. I haven’t ended the chapter. Chapters are not supposed to be this long. Maybe it’s time I find the closing line.
It’s my birthday today. Another year of ups and downs. Another year of telling myself I don’t matter. Even though, I know my worth to God. To my Husband. To my Kids. I can be valuable to more, but I don’t allow them in.